mandopop (?)

Out of an act of goodwill, I shall now teach all readers of perspicacious how to write a teenage-girl-killer chinese song.

Step 1. Find a suitable metaphor, relate it to love.

Don't let conventions hamper you. Use anything that seems romantic enough, like wilted flowers (representing the death of your significant other/end of your relationship) or children playing at the playground (fond memories of you and your significant other playing tag when 5. Although, on a somewhat unrelated sidenote, why do people fall in love with their childhood playmates? Isn't it somewhat... incestuous? I figured once you see someone making and eating a mudpie, you wouldn't want to go out with them.)

Step 2. Scribble down random things regarding the metaphor/love.

If your lover has left you, you might want to whine about how "yadda yadda you said you'd love me forever oh boohoo our love is like a wilted flower". Or if you've just fallen in love, you can chatter on unneccessarily about how you call your significant other about a gazibillion times a day, but why doesn't he/she call me back?

Step 3. Select a few choice phrases, and repeat them through the song a few times. Not too many, just about a thousand or so.

For example, if you are an uncreative blob and can only think of the cheesy "WO AI NI", repeat that in a variety of tones. Maybe high, higher, low, high, low low low low...

Step 4: Read through the first draft of your song. Go through the checklist below:

4a: Is your song whiny? Yes/No
4b: Is it sufficiently repetitive? Yes/No
4c: Does it utilize enough metaphors? Yes/No
4d: Is there a specific message targeted at your lover? Yes/No

If you answered no to any of the above, work through the song again to correct it.

Step 5: BONUS: If you intend to make a music video as well, and your song happens to be of the emo variety (eg why did you leave me, i loved you so much blah blah blah), make sure that you have a shot of the main character kneeling in the rain.

Because the main character (ie the singer) never thinks to bring out an umbrella, and we must acknowledge that even though it might be scorching hot and 43* outside (Melbourne!), there is a really, really, REALLY high chance of rain.

Also, if your lead singer happens to be female, make sure she keeps her eyes open in a way that screams- I mean, whispers. Shunus never raise their voices above 10dB. It would be *huge, wide-eyed look of horror* so... *whispers softly* uncivilised......... Anyway, whispers "protect me, I'm helpless......" Always have her trail a long string of dots behind. Dress her in white dresses in order to make her look innocent and frail, and make sure she has long flowy "reborn-ed" hair.

On the other hand, if your lead singer is male, highlight his hair brown. Make it stick up in spikes at the back, but ensure that his fringe is long, straight, and covers one of his eyes. He must be dressed in dark shades (a little bit of leather never goes wrong. Wrap him up in a cow, baby.) and look perpetually sulky. It's okay if he looks a little dumb, or if he looks somewhat gangstery. Girls will want to take him in and attempt to make him "gai guo zi xin".

Tada! You've got an instant bestseller! Teens will love it! They'll listen to it, scream that it "SPEAKS TO ME, OH, ON SO MANY LEVELS" and go around singing it nonstop and playing it from the loudspeakers on their handphones in the bus, so as to expose more people to the beauty of lovesick music.