go fug yourself

There's a Facebook group that goes something along the lines of "People who t@Lk Lyk D1z should attend English class more often".

Well, I'm not going to join that group because I disagree.

People who t@Lk Lyk D1z should not be made to attend English classes more often. They should just curl up and die, period.

Why you should not taLk Lyk D1z:

For one, it is SO irritating to type. If you're sharp you'll have notice that I replaced the @ above with a normal "a", because blogger keeps reading this as a mail address and hyperlinking it, never mind that I doubt there's a mail server called Lk.

And what is wrong with normal "a"s and "i"s? Oh, alphabets not cool enough for you? Must replace it with funky signs? Or are half your keys broken? If words were meant to be spelt with dollar signs, @s, and exclamation marks, they wouldn't have invented a 26-letter alphabet.

According to linguist David Crystal, you have to KNOW your words before you can PLAY with them, which means that all these people mutilating words (in a bad way, too) CAN spell their words. Either that or they just hopped on the bandwagon; if you're one of those hop-on-the-bandwagon-even-though-I-can't-actually-spell-the-words-properly people, go and die. There are better trends to follow. And for those people who actually CAN spell the words but for some obscure reason choose to waste time typing out weird forms of the word, (I grudgingly excuse some forms of sms lang that actually shorten the word. It's those that don't shorten the word, or in fact, lengthen it, that piss me off) you go curl up and die too. Why waste English lessons on people who can spell but don't want to?

(Speaking of sms lang, why the hell do some people shorten "tomorrow" to "tomolo"? It sounds like some obscure cousin of the pomelo. Tomorrow is rarely ever pronounced as "tomoLO", unless of course you can't pronounce the letter r. In which case, why spread your inability to pronounce the letter r to your writing too?)

I buy Teenage just to read the love declaration sections whenever I'm feeling emo, because then I can ridicule the language of the soppy messages and ponder why people would go to such lengths to make their messages un-understandable. HELLO, this is real life, not a James Bond movie. We don't need codes!

Look at this fine example of code:

"To: other honey
hh0neyy, I lurbb3rzx euuzx al0tts w0rhhszx!
pw3ase acceptt muaiizx lubb3zx w0rhhszx (:
From: honey"

I'm sorry, did you experience violent tremors while your fingers were hovering above the "h" key? And the "y" key? And the "b", "u", and "t" keys? C'mon. Say it out loud. Not so cool now that you sound like a stuttering freak, eh?

"H-h-zero ney-ey, I lurb-buh three ruhzuhsss eu-ou al zero tuh-tuhssss wzero huh-huh ssszuhsss."

Also, is there a need to put "zx" or "szx" after practically every word? You are not a bee. Bees probably have a better command of English than you do. For the life of me I just cannot see how people can actually think that making a weird zzzzz sound is actually cool.

AND WHAT IS UP WITH "LURBBBB"? I hate the way I sound when I have a cold or an otherwise blocked nose, YET people here are trying to imitate a blocked nose. I'll give you a blocked nose.

And to any twit zzzzing in rage right now, save your trembling fingers from having to type anymore. Go read a dictionary. In the (oh, very short, I'm sure) time you used to type a retort which I'll just laugh at and then mock again later, you could possibly learn the proper spelling of the words on the first page of the dictionary.

Disclaimer: This, any insecure readers, is not elitist. It is merely how I demonstrate my language purist feelings. I don't care whether "honey" or "other honey" come from either Pulau Ubin Ulu Sec Sch or RGS; I'll mock their language all the same. So please don't vent your insecurity by calling me an elitist because you have an inferiority complex and happen to ttalkzx lykzx d1z w0rhhzxszxszxszxs.

I, for the thousandth and second time, have nothing against people who hail from neighbourhood schools. But I do have something against people who refuse to respect the sanctity of the English language.

Oh, and don't even get me started on bad grammar.